"Dwelling on the negative simply contributes to its power". -Shirley McLaine
I always tell my clients that there is a ton of power in language. The things we say to others and the things we say to ourselves all impact our perception of this world, including how we feel about ourselves. This is why I make it my mission to eliminate the negative self talk , as if it was a spotted lanternfly (IYKYK). The reason why I become so focused on helping clients restructure the thing they say to themselves is because even if we are joking around, the more and more we hear negative things, the more and more we believe them!
Negative self-talk can be a powerful force that holds us back from reaching our full potential. It can affect our confidence, mental health, and relationships. Both teens and adults struggle with these inner voices, but the good news is, you can learn how to break free. Here's how to take control of your thoughts and foster a positive mindset.
1. Identify Your Negative Thoughts
The first step to overcoming negative self-talk is to recognize when it happens. The first step to facing any problem is being aware you have a problem. As G.I. Joe famously said, "Knowing is half the battle".
Ask yourself, am I often too critical of myself? Do you find yourself thinking “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll never succeed”? Are you like me who had a history of calling myself every name in the book Identifying these negative patterns is the key to interrupting them. Once you become aware of how much negative talk you have in a day, try to monitor it by keeping a journal to write down negative thoughts as they arise. This allows you to track them and identify recurring themes. In a digital world, it may be easier to keep a running voice note or memo to help you easily record what negative comments you are making to yourself, without needing the pen and pad.
2. Challenge the Inner Critic
Once you recognize negative self-talk, it’s time to challenge it. Ask yourself, “Is this thought based on facts, or is it just a fear?” Often, negative self-talk is fueled by fear or insecurity rather than reality. Another method that may be more helpful than recognizing if the thought is fact or fear, is giving yourself what I like to call, the "double what-if". For instance, maybe you are being hard on yourself because you do not think the person you like would like you back. When you tell yourself, "what if they will never like me because I am a major weirdo", try to challenge it with the next what-if, "what if she really likes weirdos?"
This is where having a growth mindset can truly benefit you! Growth mindset helps you see challenges and setbacks in life as a part of the process towards success. It teaches you how to reframe negative thoughts that keep us in a fixed mindset and feeling defeated. Try to replace negative thoughts with more balanced, realistic ones. For example, turn “I always fail” into “I’ve had setbacks, but I can learn and improve.”
3. Practice Self-Compassion
I often wonder why some people can bend over backwards to make others feel good about themselves, yet have a difficult time doing the same for themselves? Every year of my life I learn there is a theme to the year, and so far in 2024 I believe the theme of this year (and something that comes out of my mouth on a weekly basis) is "Give yourself grace".
Instead of being your own harshest critic, try to treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. Self-compassion involves acknowledging your flaws without letting them define you. It's okay to make mistakes – they’re part of the growth process. No one is perfect! That may be one of the best and underused lines out there. It is a good way to realize that being highly critical of yourself is not always realistic. Practice self-compassion by speaking to yourself as you would to someone you care about. Swap “I messed up again” for “Everyone makes mistakes, and I can learn from this.”
4. Use Affirmations and Positive Self-Talk
Every client I have worked with has had the home work assignment from me of saying positive affirmations. I suggest to my clients that they either write down their positive affirmation while saying it out loud, or staring into their own eyes through the mirror and confidently saying the affirmation. Affirmations are a powerful tool for retraining your brain to think positively. By repeating positive statements, you begin to change the internal narrative. While it may feel awkward at first, over time, positive self-talk can replace those nagging negative thoughts. Start with simple affirmations like “I am capable” or “I deserve success.” Write them down and repeat them daily. Most important thing to remember in the beginning is that you do not have to believe it right away, just keep saying them daily and you will start to believe it more.
5. Surround Yourself with Positivity
One of the best pieces of advice I received growing up was, "you are a collection of your 5 closest friends". The people you spend time with can either uplift you or bring you down. A big reason I started Special Connects LLC was to help people learn how to make social connections that would help them in their life. We are symbiotic creatures and our existence and longevity depends on connections! Surround yourself with supportive friends, family, or mentors who encourage positive thinking. This will help reinforce the positive mindset you are working to build. Do yourself a favor and evaluate your social circle. Spend more time with people who help you grow and distance yourself from negative influences.
I challenge you to the idea that it is just as easy to say positive things about yourself as it is to say negative things. Negative self-talk can undermine your confidence and limit your potential, but with the right strategies, you can shift to a more positive mindset. By identifying and challenging your negative thoughts, practicing self-compassion, and using affirmations, you’ll be on your way to breaking free from negativity and embracing a more confident, empowered self. Do it for yourself, you only have one life- make it count! If you need help working on any of these skills such as building self confidence or finding the right kinds of people in your life, reach out. I am here to help.....
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